I do not understand why people don’t like this film. Maybe they walked into the theater thinking it was not going to be a movie based on a comic book; maybe they expected Ang Lee to turn it into a Hulk Smash-fest. Who knows? Not me. But I can tell you one thing: I’m the only person I’ve ever met that likes this movie. And I’m always fucking right.
Over the past few weeks I’ve seen it on TV and stopped to watch it. My friends all yell in protest. Here’s a rundown of why it rocks. Go ahead and attempt to fight it, you will be ripped to green dust like so many genetically mutated dogs.
1. The Cast
This cast could not’ve rocked harder. Aussie Eric Bana as supernerd Bruce Banner, although I’ll admit he’s a little too cut for a scientist. The lovely Jennifer Connelly as Bruce’s former sack slave and weepy woman (she cries a lot). Nick “Crazy” Nolte does an uncanny portrayal of a mental genius whose focus throughout the film is both monstrous and sincere. Fucking Sam Elliot, hello? Did anyone see “The Big Lebowski?” The guy’s a genius. Oh yeah he was in Tombstone I hear; and he never shaves his amazing mustache. Josh Lucas as that sniveling turd smell Talbot. I like Josh Lucas; he was a great supporting cast member in American Psycho (one of my favorites), and he plays the power hungry weasel with all the eager, wide-eyed bully-ism necessary.
2. The Comic Book feel
It feels like you’re reading a damn comic book. And what are comic books? Visual representations of a story. Lots of people wrote this off as annoying, but Ang Lee likes to tell a story visually. There is a lot of poetry in his execution, and oddly enough, Hulk is as beautiful a film as Sense and Sensibility, Crouching Tiger or Brokeback. He’s got an eye for landscape. The way the story is told, through moving boxes joined together like a comic book page, is only momentary, and it really keeps the pace of the film by showing multiple angles of the same scene. Neat! Lee also does a great job at making Hulk move like a comic book portrays action. You can almost see the motion lines outside his tree-sized arms as he’s turning dogs into dust.
3. The Action
Hulk smash indeed. Some say a superhuman mutant shouldn’t be able to fly. But Hulk only jumps retardedly long strides with calves the size of submarines. Even if his body mass would be impossible to lift that high and long, I am willing to dismiss the scientific folly for the pure entertainment it gives. Let’s drill down the action in this movie, shall we?:
The Triple Dogg Dare fight.
If 3 mutant dogs the size of my car were headed after my lady, they might have their way with her. But not Hulk; luckily for Betty the huge green bean lover is obsessed with her, so he was already about to split her in half with his mutant cock when the poodle, pit bull and rottweiler show up. This fight is pure muscle and teeth, as these TMNT-style dogs attempt to shred Hulk, or at least make him bleed. I think they barely manage the latter. His violence almost gets Betty hurt, but the brunt of it is focused on ripping a dog in half, punching one in the balls and ripping the jaws apart of another. And they die in a big green explosion of goo. Pretty!
The Scientific Lab smash.
After Hulk cripples the turd Talbot, he leaps from his house to his lab in one single freaking leap, whereupon he continues to make sand out of all the beakers and Bunson burners in sight. Then he launches the gamma machine that triggered his mutant genes out of the 10th or so story window down onto a sad, sad police car.
Toys for Tanks.
My favorite part of the film. Even the all powerful US military can’t control Hulk with tank shells, cluster bombs, grenades, agile helicopters equipped with rockets, and a space-bound jet. Hulk eats green Wheaties, and its obvious, due to the fact that he destroys 3 tanks using only his body and the barrel of another tank; he catches a rocket in flight and bites the explosive head off of it — then he spits it at a helicopter (I wet myself); bullets bounce off him like rocks off of rubber. And to make it better, when he gets pissed off he gets BIGGER!
Daddy didn’t love me.
The final battle is between Hulk and his father, whose mutant genes are severely unstable. He can also change form to different types of energy, so Hulk must battle a human bolt of lightning, a walking mountain and a lake with hands. Dad wants Hulk’s ability, and when Hulk defies him and tries to give it all to him in one blast, daddy can’t take it. The army sends a missile at the bloated water bubble and blows pops to bits. He definitely got a hernia over that one.
4. The Story 
Hulk is visually attractive and fun to watch, but there’s a real struggle here between Bruce and everyone else, including himself. His inability to show emotion sank his relationship with Betty, Betty’s father wants Bruce dead because of the danger he can cause, Bruce’s own father is hyper jealous of his son’s amazing ability and Bruce fights the Hulk inside of him at every turn. I should get a Pulitzer and Nobel for this shit.
Those are 4 great reasons why Hulk is a good movie. I’m sick of all the people saying “Ryan always grabs his crotch when Hulk is on.” It might be true, but I have 4 great reasons to do so. And now so do you.
