Why the Japanese Rule

The Japanese rule. Oh I don’t mean they rule in the “world power” sense of the word. They might have produced 80% of the electronics in your home, including that badass toaster your grandmother got you for your birthday, but they don’t have an army near the size of ours. America: Fuck Yeah!

Jokes aside, the Japanese have a very odd culture. It’s full of schoolgirl outfits, pigtails, giant-eyed cartoons, vibrant colors, wacky techno music, costumes, cutsesy voices and poo poo porn (I’ve heard). They really know how to put their own spin on things. And they can even put a spin on American ideas as well. Or in some cases, they create it their way, then they have to water it down for the American audience. Because lord knows we can’t handle bare boobies, but bring on all the razorblade mazes and flesh games you want. If it’s bloody, we’re in. Fuck Yeah!

Take video games for example. I’ve been known to dabble in them from time to time. My daily scouring of the internets sometimes brings me to interesting things I’ve never even heard of. Devil May Cry, a popular, stylish video game, puts you in control of Dante. Dante is some sort of demon, wielding both swords and guns. You accumulate points by creating combo attacks, and there are plenty of enemies to destroy littered around the landscape. Here is a short video of some gameplay.

Now the Japanese take on the same style of game. The protagonist uses both swords and guns. There are lots of enemies around to slash and shoot. The rating system is even the same (sadly, no “rawesome” rating given). However, the Japanese put an Asian spin on things and make the characters girls in bikinis. That idea is just so novel and amazing, I can’t believe no one else has tried this.

Genius!

Another quick example on the video game front. Fighting games, wrestling games, volleyball and even golf. The Japanese have infiltrated almost all outlets of gaming with their crazy bikini ideas. What’s next, bikini Mario Kart? Are we gonna find out that the person under that Metroid suit is a girl? Oh wait.

Even their gameshows are scantily clad. Can someone tell me what the point of this is?

I will not complain. Observation is completely okay, however. So, what are your strange encounters with the Japanese bikini obsession? And please don’t post anything about poo poo porn. Thanks.

3:10 to Yuma = Amazing

Last night my pal Mitch and I went to see 3:10 to Yuma at the theater down the road. I was excited for a few reasons: 1) Christian Bale is one of my favorite actors. As I’ve stated before, American Psycho is an amazing piece of work; the social commentary alone is priceless. 2) Russel Crowe ain’t bad either. Granted, he is a little bit of a weirdo in real life (read: drunk Aussie), but what good actors aren’t just slightly off the reservation? Plus his movies tend to be great, and he’s great in them. His sincerity is…sincere. 3) I’ve wanted to see a good western for some time now. My usual throwbacks are Tombstone, Unforgiven and Open Range, but it’s nice to have a new one to rely on. There’s just something about horses, guns, spurs and hat hair that really gets me going. Almost as much as a flaming meteor headed for Earth.

I don’t want to post any spoilers, but if you’re wary of ruining any piece of the movie for yourself, read no further. That goes for all 8 of my readers. So let me start with the characters. Bale’s character, Dan Evans, is a former Civil War vet who was injured and turned to ranching. He’s a family man with strict morals and a hard head. He’s also poor and in debt. He serves as the “good guy” in this flick, if you want to categorize the main players. Actually, he’s probably the closest thing to a good guy in a western as I’ve ever seen. Even Clint Eastwood’s and Kurt Russell’s characters in Unforgiven and Tombstone could be shadowed as bad, due to their past nature.

Crowe’s outlaw portrayal as Ben Wade is my favorite kind of villain. Again, that’s a vague category to put him in, due to his nature; you’ll notice it when you first see him on screen. Anyway, I like villains who have a severe capacity for good. Lots of characters in big movies have it: De Niro’s character in Heat, Alfred Molina’s Dr. Octopus, Darth Vader for cryin’ out loud. I like the dual nature of bad guys because it lets me side with them and create tension for myself in the movie.

The story is pretty basic and linear. Ben Wade, evilest villain in Arizona, is caught and being escorted to Contention, AZ to catch the 3:10 train to Yuma prison. The action comes in a few different points. Most threatening is Wade himself, who is wily, sneaky and capable of fucking things up. Wade’s gang of 7 or 8 is also a danger, but not until the end of the movie. They have a side story of chasing the escort gang to Contention. They’re temporarily lead by Charlie Rose, played by Ben Foster; he is also ruthless, trying desperately to fill Wade’s shoes and be a badass. Other minor threats are Indians, random posses and, according to my 6th grade English textbook, time.

The film focuses heavily on the characters and their interactions and change. Bale is Crowe’s equal opposite in the film, but Crowe’s personality doesn’t allow him to be full-on enemies with his grudges. He’s charming and dangerous, yet he has a tinge of understanding, which isn’t normal in a villain’s resume. There are small bends in the road in the film, some you see coming and some you don’t. They were all welcome surprises, some even shocking.

So the movie was great, I was thoroughly pleased with my $8.50 spent. It was a good ending to a strange beginning. Mitch and I decided to eat close to the theater, so we hit up a nationally known restaurant with its own airline and owl mascot. After we ate, watching the WV vs Maryland game, one of the waitresses came up to let us know she thought we were “really cute.”

It went something like this:

Waitress: “Hi, I just wanted to come over and let you guys know I think you’re really cute. I told Maria (our server) I was going to come over. There aren’t going to be any girls coming to beat me up are there?”

Me: “I’m engaged”

(waitress moves to stand beside Mitch)

Mitch and Vi (she’s Asian, go figure) then proceed to flirt with each other about birthdays, where Vi states that at her last birthday bash, there was girl-on-girl make outs involved and maybe some clothing removed. She was pretty straightforward about not having a problem with either girls or guys. All this within literally 5 minutes of her coming up to us. So one thing is certain: she’s crazy, and Asian, so a crazy Asian. And since she’s crazy, she’s right up Mitch’s alley. For the visually impaired I’ve created a diagram.

Note that “Female” and “sanity” are paired and always come paired, and the slutiness of the girl is divided into 1, meaning the girl isn’t usually a full out slut but on the way to total slut capacity.

Now that I’ve created a new law, which I’ve entitled “Mitch’s Law,” I will now cure cancer, stop terrorism and detonate the meteor currently hurtling towards Earth.