During my normal busy day today there was a rather large eruption of laughter at the cubicle farm across from my cubicle farm. I trekked over the rows to see what was up, and at first I could make no sense of what one of my female coworkers was laughing about in an e-mail sent to her. Apparently I had walked in on the end result of a brief chain of e-mails that ended in hilarity.

Eager to find out what the root of the issue was, I asked her to forward me the chain, and what followed was indeed hilarious. A friend of my coworker is on Match.com and she had “winked” at a guy she’d seen on the site. He responded with the following:

I live in a 31 story high rise condominium, right in the middle of the Buckhead nightlife district. Do you ever come to this area of town to shop/go out/visit/explore?

I went to an Ivy League school – the University of Pennsylvania – for my undergraduate degree in economics and my graduate degree in management (Wharton School of Business). Where did you go to school?

What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds – what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact…

I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for Limited Brands (Bath & Body Works, Victoria’s Secret, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?

Do you have any other recent pictures you care to share? I have many others if you care to see them.

Regards,

John (name withheld)

Slightly pompous, but this is a dating website, so he’s giving her a lot of information about himself, which is understandable. However, I can’t help but hear how arrogant this guy is, especially at first contact. The little details about his life are unnecessary: high-rise condo, Ivy League, masters degree, workout schedule. This stuff is completely unnecessary except to say that he thinks very highly of himself, and he thinks that’s how you snag a girl. On the internet.

So the girl, after reading this, decides maybe he isn’t really a good match for her. She sends a default “no thanks” response, which reads:

Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we’re just not a good match. Good luck in your search!Our Portraits didn’t match on:

• Personality

The beauty of the internet dating world is that you can sit behind your computer after a rejection and not deal with the humiliation. She’s certainly moved on; she might mention it to her mother or her friends over lunch, but she isn’t going to see him ever, and he’ll never have to deal with her rejection of him face to face. He’s already ahead. But then he replies, and this is where his arrogance erupts:

I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards – not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!

So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don’t blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel’s Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren’t any more of those!

Regards,

John

http://www.johnfitzgeraldpage.com

I honestly don’t know where to begin. This guy’s insecurity is the equivalent of 13 atom bombs. He’s assuming the female was a fatty just because she didn’t want to talk to him. That’s class. And he’s also suddenly a personal trainer. Whatev.

Then he goes into a tirade of self promotion. This is belligerent bragging at its best. Let me translate what his last paragraph really means:

8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member

Translation: 8.9 on Hot or Not (that part is probably the only true statement; this douche is actually on HotorNot.com), served lunch at an Ivy League Cafeteria, Mensa member (Men Entertaining the Notion of Same-Sex Asshole).

has had lunch with the secretary of defense

Has had lunch in the same state as the Secretary of Defense.

drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures,

Drives a 1980 BMW. Missing the top. He has been in a few major motion pictures, there’s screenshots on his website. He is a motion blur in most of them.

So you might think thats where the story ends. But it continues for one brief moment, without his knowledge. Another coworker of mine is quite the internet genius. He did a little detective work on Mr. Page.

He used to have an Ohio number, (614) 846-XXXX, but it has been disconnected; this is where Limited Brands is based out of; called their corporate offices and he’s not in their company directory…BIG Mergers & Acquisition guy I’m guessing…

Gets into his movies by trolling newsgroups for movie set screening passes; 12 of the 13 movies he’s been in he’s “Uncredited”, meaning “Not Worth Mentioning” (Link to IMDB Profile)
Mr. Successful lives in an apartment converted condo in a 20+ year old midrise, mostly rentals because people can’t get out of them.

Another interesting one is I get the following error when searching the Wharton School of Business’ Alumni Directory:

“Your name could not be found in our list of alumni” Tried 3 variations of his first name combined with his last, no results.

So this ends our story. Granted he’s an insecure guy. So insecure that he over exaggerates achievements. “Actor,” “masters degree,” “mergers & acquisitions rep.” Ladies of Atlanta, watch out. This guy is definitely on the prowl. Rawr!

*Update*

This morning on local radio station Q100 they read the email exchange over the air. Now all of Atlanta knows there’s a king douche out there somewhere, flexing his muscles for the ladies. Someone (me) called in and told the Bert Show about all the falsified info in his e-mails. Good thing our legal system is in tact!

*Update 2*

Apparently my pity for his personal information has been overlooked at Gawker.com. They have posted the same info as myself (albeit two hours after my post, thieves), minus all the backtrack info, but left his identity in tact. You’re famous John Fitzgerald Page!