Retail Sucks: HCO Blog #1

10 Things I Hate About Customers (or as many I can think of)

This will be more than 10. The title fits though. Kids, these blogs dont just fart out of my brain. They’re chronicles of real events, real stupid customers, real rednecks. As a result, they dont really come every day, just when I have enough material. Deal with it or you’ll be dealt with.

You people. I’m all about customer service. I’ll even smile. But I’m not here to kiss your ass. I’m not here to give you free shit or discounts. This isnt Cingular, where you can bitch your way out of 4000 overtime minutes. One thing I can give you is a swift kick to the pants. I can also ruin your day and have you talking to your family about that “fucking asshole” at dinner. Welcome to Hollister.

The elite who work at Hollister deal with all sorts of customers. Happy, sad, indifferent, angry, moody, slutty. We also have unique gripes that we get only at our stores. I’m going to make a list of the ones that stand out in my mind the most, followed by the response I wish I could give. This list is not exhaustive, and its in no particular order except from funny to funny.

1) CUSTOMER: Do you work here?
MY RESPONSE: No lady, I went through a time machine and wound up in the stockroom of this place wearing these strange “Hollister” clothes. I figured this door would get me out, but instead I ran into you. Also I’m from the future, and I’m here to kill John Connor.

2) CUSTOMER: Its too dark in here.
MY RESPONSE: Bring a flashlight. Did you major in whining? Who gripes to the employees of a store about the electrical situation? Fuck you and fuck lights.

3) CUSTOMER: You dont have my size in this shirt, I want the one off the mannequin.
MY RESPONSE: No.

4) CUSTOMER: Someone who’s just been very rude is now asking to return something shifty/wants a size/wants some sort of help.
MY RESPONSE: Sure, I can help you find the fucking door. Where do these people get off? Y’know, I probably have 10 of that size in the stock room, or I could easily exchange that item (or refund your cash, I’m that powerful), but why the hell would I do that when you’re so bent on being a bitch? This is the equivalent to pissing off your server at a restaurant: he’s very powerful in the fact that he can shit in your food, and you’d eat it unknowingly. You just pissed off the head douche; welcome to not getting anything accomplished that you came here to do today.

5) CUSTOMER: Messes up every single shirt in an entire stack of identical shirts. These customers are usually Asian (thanks K).
MY RESPONSE: Uh, wtf? Why the fuck are you unfolding every motherfucking shirt? Its not like one shirt will magically jump on you and say “PICK ME BITCH!” What do you think the fucking size stickers are there for? So you dont have to get hated on. I’m rude enough to where I’ll come up and say something to you. Something that’s a mix of part customer service, part “what the fuck are you doing you stupid ching chong?”
PS I’m Asian so I can say what ever the fuck I want.

6) CUSTOMER: Someone gets too close to the front door with a shirt and the alarm goes off. Customer does not move, and it continues to go off, annoying everyone in sight.
MY RESPONSE: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE DOOR YOU STUPID EMO-FUCK KID! I know your generation (a generation I’ve recently dubbed “Genergy” or “Gen Energy,” ask me why) was born with earplugs in your ears and your asshole, but its common fucking sense to move away from the bad noise so that it will stop. My dog knows better, and thats sad. My dog knows better than an emo-fuck kid.

7) CUSTOMER: Bitching about the bulges on the forms.
MY RESPONSE: You kids know this one well enough. Let me elaborate. Lady (its usually a lady that bitches, find out my theory why in a second) I could really care less that you and Jesus find the fake crotch on our forms offensive. First, they’re not real humans, and you can tell that because they have impossible muscle structure, they stand in the same back-breaking positions for eternity, their arms are attatched by magnets and they have NO FUCKING HEADS. Second, this store sells sex. Look at our posters (marketing to the Hollister savvy); these kids just flew to this beach for a photoshoot after leaving a porn film shoot. I swear the girls still have jizz in their ears. Lastly, I know you’re jealous that your husband’s bulge isnt as big, nor does he have perfect pectorials, but thats no reason to come in my store and gripe about a little bit of skin. Fake, plastic skin at that. Get a clue and realize that sex isnt the thing hurting your children, its your lack of interaction/knowledge/discipline/molestation. Minus the last one.

8) CUSTOMER: Brings in a shirt with a sensor on it and wants us to remove the sensor. Customer has no receipt.
MY REPONSE: Is this not common fucking sense? Yeah, I realize it’s probably our fault the sensor wasnt removed. Our fault because you were such a douchebag at the counter you scared our brand reps, who promptly forgot. I dont care how domestic you are, with your pregnant wife, who is in awe that I’m the manager. I dont care that you drove 20 minutes to get here and that you have to drive 20 minutes back to get the receipt. No you will not get anything extra for being a dumbass. I wont give you a discount. I wont give you a gift card. I wont show you how to take it off yourself. People like this made me who I am. Learn to add life: (shirt sensor) - receipt = JACK SHIT.

9) CUSTOMER: Leaving your 5 (or 50, depending on what you know about your job) items in the fitting room.
MY RESPONSE: Yes, its my job to fold your mess and clean up after you like children. However, have the common courtesy to bring your shit that you dont want with you when you’re finished with it. Its a retail clothing store, not your mom’s house. I swear to God I’m going to get hostile and start throwing clothes at these stuck up bitches. Clothes with golf balls hidden in them.

10) CUSTOMER: Redneck MILF-wanna be fucks up an entire room by herself. The intent to buy is there, but never follows through.
MY RESPONSE: These rich bitches get on my last nerve. Okay, so you’re 40 and still kinda hot. I give credit to the plastic surgeon who payed too much attention to your boobs and forgot about your hips. The point is, you arent Jesus’ mom, and you cant do whatever you want in here. We have rules too. Rule #1: Dont piss of the management (we’re angry people). After destroying the store, what happens next? Redneck hubby gets beeped on the NexTel to come get her. He’s got to peel himself from the TV, watching NASCAR no doubt, come to the mall and club his hick wife over the head with a camshaft and drag her home in the Camaro. And after all that “shopping” all she bought was a wifebeater. Ironic, yet predictable.

Well thats 10 for now to hold you over kids. I’ve got 12 more worth putting up that I’ll be working on soon. And by “soon” I mean whenever the fuck I feel like thinking for 60 minutes in a row.

DISCLAIMER: These 10 events are completely fabricated by my brain and are of my own opinion about the amazing (read: stupid) customers that come into our mall. If you’re offended, dont sue Hollister, sue yourself for having a mind the size of a herpes virus.