Traffic jams are bad enough.  It’s a pain in the scrotum for me to move slower than my pet turtle (his name is Shelly, get it?).  Obviously I expect to trickle my way to and from work.  But if you know shit about traffic, then you know the way to advance is to keep as little space between you and the car in front of you.  The more space you leave, the more cars fill that space and that keeps your ass at the back of the line.

So you can imagine my seething, molten anger when I get stuck behind that slow fucker in the huge SUV.  You know which one I mean.  It’s got tinted windows, those stick-people family stickers and a boat propeller on the back.  As I ride this person’s ass I’m thinking how I’d love to push a button and have fire and swords rip out of the front of my car like some souped up spy car and really put her in a bind with her insurance company.  Good luck explaining that one.  “Well the car behind me just started shooting out swords and fire!”  Sure lady.

Anyway, this driver can really ruin your commute, which can really ruin your day.  Traffic is moving by on both sides, yet you’re still stuck at 10 mph.  You can’t see in front of this giant economy buster, so you don’t even know what the problem is.  Finally you’re able to find a gap and whiz by this moving mountain only to find that there’s about 40 yards of space between it and the car in front of it.  You could parallel park a train in there.

I mean, what is this idiot’s problem?  Is she purposely going slow to piss you off because you’re riding her so close she can tell what species of bird shit is on your window?  Is she just that dumb and unaware of the surrounding traffic?  I’m sure you noticed I’m assuming it’s a woman.  Congratulations.

It’s bozos like these that really ruin traffic, yet they don’t realize it.  They aren’t the sole reason traffic exists, but they’re certainly not helping.  What’s worse is they’re oblivious to the problems they’re causing.  They can’t think past their front bumper.

Now I know not everyone is willing to ride 3 inches from the car in front of them.  That’s what the right lane is for.  But you know lanes don’t mean shit in the middle of a traffic jam.  That’s another subject.  I’m working on my “Rules for Navigating Heavy Traffic,” and when I’m done it’ll sell billions.